No One Can Know
by SarcasmFont
Summary: Sometimes her life feels like...a nightmare,a dream, a game. Sometimes she hates...the worthlessness, the act, the lies. But no one can know this.../ In which Annabeth ponders the inescapable, endless whirlpool of her her life. **One-shot** Post BoO. All feedback welcome.


**No One Can Know**

Sometimes she feels like her life is one big nightmare.

_Did I ever scream so loud last night?_

She's utterly and hopelessly trapped inside her own mind. Ironic, for an Athena kid…

But there's nothing she can do about it, unless she wants to be suffocated again. The last time she told people how she was really feeling, what she was going through they made her go get "help" and basically did everything to make her life hell. They meant well, she allows, but in doing so they only made her feel like she couldn't be herself anymore. They never left her alone, both physically and mentally. Always following her around wherever she went; constantly asking if she was okay, and how she was doing.

_Is there something wrong? _They ask her. "_Are you alright?" _they say.

"_No I'm not okay."_ She wants to scream back. _"Can't you see? __**There's nothing right**__!"_

But no one can know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes she feels like her life is a dream.

_Did the night sky ever glow so bright?_

From place to place, she floats, suspended in a dream-like state. Everything seems so beautiful now. You never know a good thing until it's gone, she supposes. It's the truth. After all, she herself came **this** close to having almost everything she cared about being taken away…several times. It seemed so endless, so despondent and bleak. Sometimes she felt like there was nothing to live for, nothing to fight for. But there was everything. And now she can come back to the things she held onto and finally rest in the place she fought so desperately to save, with the people she so fervently loves. It's finally hers to enjoy again. It's perfect, everything she ever dreamed of. What's wrong with that picture? Nothing, right?

Wrong.

It_** is **_everything she ever dreamed of. And that's the problem. Because dreams are just figments of our imagination, wishful thinking that will never be fulfilled, empty hopes. Things that could happen in a perfect world, but won't. Because it's NOT a perfect world. It's a world full of cruel twists and turns that will make you trip and fall and cry and then give you something great and amazing and wonderful;. And then will snatch it all away again, tossing you back down its rocky cliffs. Will give you something to hold onto, a ledge, and branch as you climb. But then will push you back in and swallow you whole when you falter. She knows this. She lives this. She's not saying that life is bad. Life can be amazing. But the bad comes tenfold sometimes with the good, and her life (especially her life) can be excessively cruel (she holds certain divine meddling accountable for much of it though). She wishes she had a perfect life, but she doesn't.

Which is the problem.

It just does seem too perfect. She can't help but feel like it's all a dream, a figment of her imagination. Because dreams aren't real. And her life seems an awful lot like a dream right now. She's so used to living in misery that she just can't accept that maybe, things could be right.

Because when your life is an endless plight of betrayal, you tend to become overly cautious and distrusting. You never know when the rug will be pulled out from under you again.

Still, in spite of all that she can't help but revel in the happiness and security of her life after (that's how she views it now;the time before the war and the time after her life completely changed.) And so she tries to suppress the multiple warning bells ringing in her head and lavish in the drowsy warmth of boring security. The days pass her by as she settles into her new routine and soon the details all start to lump together in her once-crystal clear memory and she can't seem to shake off the dense fog that inhabits her mind. She seems to be suspended in a half-awake state, and the more she realizes this, the harder it gets to escape.

And now her once-pleasant dream is starting to look an awful lot like that all too familiar nightmare.

But no one can know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes her life feels like a nightmare. Sometimes her life feels like a dream.

_Did the night sky ever glow so bright…_

_Did she ever scream so loud last night. _

_No reason to live or fight… Is there something wrong… there's nothing right…_

* * *

No one can know the truth.

No one will want to believe it's all too good to be true.

* * *

Sometimes she feels like her life is a game.

_I'm just a pawn in this great game of chess; Expendable, nothing more, nothing less._

Queen, move up 1 space. Knight, left 2 spaces. Check mate.

She is a piece in a giant game of divine chess. She is at the mercy of the will of things beyond herself. And she doesn't like it **at all**. Move after move she's seen more and more of people she knows become knocked out pawns in the chess game of life. Her friends, family, even her enemies sacrificing themselves for the greater good. And then the people she didn't know. They were all valiant, or at the very least necessary sacrifices, don't get her wrong. But they didn't have to be. So many accidents, so much pain could have been avoided…

And every day she wakes up and breifely wonders what it would be like is Beckendorf was still here, if Silena came bouncing in, if …Luke hadn't…

Assauged by grief she can't even continue her thoughts. They're dangerous thoughts anyway, because if she questions why death had to happen, she'll question why she and her friends' heroics had to happen, and then she'll wonder why she was chosen to be a hero like this in the first place. Because really, when you think about it she's no better than anyone else, less so… and she knows it.

But no one can know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes she feels like her life is worthless.

_No reason to live or fight…is there something wrong? There's nothing right._

The only reason anyone cares about her anymore is because of who she used to be. Everyone wants to see her as the strong, feisty blonde who won two of the Great Wars…not the shell of a person she has become. They're all in denial (herself included). Gradually, the visits become fewer, the sincere, worried questions regarding her well-being become halfhearted. Soon she knows they will cease all together. Soon she knows they will give up on her. So what's the point? People know her as the legend, not this lonely, traumatized girl. Too soon, the once great legends become whispers of the past, overshadowed and forgotten.

To her, it's become painfully obvious that SHE is a thing of the past. There's really no use for her now, except to continue existence as a sort of celebrity who never changes. Who is always a hero, always a leader, always around as an example of greatness. And some great role model she is.

If they only knew...

_It's not for me, it's all for you, but you don't care to hear the truth. _

People always come up to her in awe, honored to be in the presence of one of the Saviors of Olympus. Oh, they'll thank her, ask her stories about the harrowing plights, the ceaseless searching, the horrid fall etc, etc. And once they get what they want…they go away and she never talks to them again.

Because they don't care about HER. They care about the story. They care about being able to tell their friends that they had a real conversation with Annabeth Chase, one of the Seven, and how she was just as awesome as everyone said she was, and that she told them all about the journey and WOW! How brave she is! But the very moment she veers off topic they start to make excuses about how "great it was to talk' but "they really have to start their chores now" or the like.

They want what they want and as soon as they get it she becomes expendable. And what they want is a taste of the adventure, the excitement.

Since when has fearing for your life every day, having the fate of the entire world on your shoulders, loosing people that you love and living through the horrors of hell (literally) become… so glorified?

She's stopped trying to tell them the reality because they just don't want to hear it. They want to feel the horror and excitement for a moment and then go right back to their regular lives unaffected. Gods forbid it gets too real for them…they'll just make up excuses to get away from her.

They don't want the truth, they want the dramatized version. They want the happy ending…so she gives it to them.

But she'll always leave them with this:

_**"There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but boys, it is all hell."**_

_**-William Tecumseh Sherman**_

...

But no one cares to know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes her life feels like a game. Sometimes it feels so worthless, like there's nothing to gain.

_I'm just a pawn in this great game of chess; expendable, nothing more, nothing less._

_It's not for me, it's all for you, but you don't care to hear the truth. _

_What does she do this for? Alone and whittled to the core._

* * *

No one can know the truth.

No one cares that she's so tired of being used.

* * *

Sometimes she feels like her life is an act.

_So berating, suffocating get off my case! I'm fine! It's fading…_

Look here she comes! It's Annabeth Chase the one of the seven Heroes of Olympus. Who is as intelligent and brave as Athena; who is as independent as Artemis; who's as beautiful as Aphrodite herself! She can do anything, fix any problem, because nothing is impossible for Annabeth Chase. Why, she might as well be a goddess!

Only…she's not.

She's not any of those things.

In fact, out of all the Seven, she's actually the least useful. Come on, you know it's true.

And she doesn't understand why people persist in thinking otherwise.

She has no powers, unlike the rest of the Seven. No leadership or influence, like Jason or Reyna (And she's certainly not as independent as Reyna either). She's not as brave or selfless as Percy. Certainly not as gorgeous or powerful as Piper and Hazel.

Let's face it. The only reason she's even there is because of Percy. They were together when this whole thing started, so it makes sense they should be there to end it. Well, he should anyway. But it's not like she did much anyway, then or now. And when she finally gets a chance to prove herself, her pride gets in the way and she ends up being saved from embarrassment by someone else much better suited for the task anyway.

In reality, she's pretty much useless.

In reality, she's just a scared, lonely little girl who wants to be someone special. But she never will be. So she'll just have to keep on waiting and latching on others people's strengths and accomplishments like a bloodsucking leech so she can be just as loved and renowned.

But even though she knows all this deep down inside, she's not going to be the one to shatter everyone's perfect image of her (because she's really a coward.) So she'll continue to fool everybody into thinking that she really does belong.

Of course, no one can ever know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes she feels like her life is a lie.

_I'm safe, I'm okay, I am fine. Same look of pity every time._

She is safe.

She is home.

She has valiantly defeated a great evil that threatened the fate of humanity.

She is a hero.

And her personal favorite: It's all over now.

They're all lies.

She's heard most of them before; repeated again and again, each time by a different person. She knows they mean well. But the words meant to be comforting and reassuring have just become words said almost robotically. Words that people say when they don't know what else to say. Words that you're supposed to say to someone like her. They all seem to have the same mantra, and the more those words are said to her, the more she now sees them for what they really are: lies. And not even comforting ones at that.

But there are some people who truly mean it. The eternal optimists, the people who want to see nothing but good in the world, who want to believe that good will always triumph over evil. They honestly want to believe that things will get better and they want her to believe it. They almost plead with her to believe it, too. And the more they plead the more she wonders: _Who are they trying to convince? Me, or themselves?_

She is fine.

She is okay.

More lies.

None of it is really true, and it's certainly not said for her own benefit. It's for theirs. She's telling them exactly what they want to hear so they can leave with a satisfied conscience that they helped make a poor, scarred hero's life a little bit better. They haven't , obviously. In all reality their actions have lead her to these depressing conclusions, so if anything they've made her life worse. But they don't know that, and certainly don't want to hear it. It being the truth. And she doesn't want anyone to hear it either.

Because no one can know this.

So she pastes on that smile; all her feelings she hides (because no one can know that she's really breaking inside.)

* * *

Sometimes her life feels like an act. Sometimes her life feels like a lie.

_I'm safe, I'm okay, I am fine. Same look of pity every tim_e.

_So berating, suffocating get off my case! I'm fine! It's fading…_

_It makes my life a living hell. Just leave me alone, though I know you mean well._

* * *

No one can know the truth.

No one can know that she'll never be okay again.

* * *

...And every night she sits, and thinks (She doesn't really sleep anymore. Anything's better than the nightmares), pondering her futile existence.

She doesn't have to go through this alone of course. All of the seven have gone through it with her, especially Percy. In fact he's probably up doing the same thing she is now, for the same reasons. He always tells her that if she needs him, he's there for her. She could go over, and he could help her and they could get through it together.

But she won't go to him. She won't let them know that she's struggling. She doesn't want the help anyway (her fatal flaw has always been her pride.) She just needs to be alone, to do what she does best: fool herself into thinking that its worth the pain and trick everyone else into believing that there is none.

So she sits on her bed and stares at the ceiling of her cabin and listens to the soft sounds of her sleeping brothers and sisters. And thinks.

Why am I like this? What did I do to deserve this?

Each night she sits and tries to find the truth. But she can never understand it.

Is this real? Is it true?

She can never separate the two.

What is her life?

Why is she even alive?

She is lost, and confused and scared. She's really, really scared. Scared of not having control over her life, scared of not knowing what horrid thing the universe will throw at her next…scared of herself and what she's becoming. But mostly of the unpredictable. Because for a smart girl like her, who always relies on solid numbers and facts, and always falls back on sound logic; A girl who always needs to _**know**_, to _**understand**_…when she doesn't know…she feels like her whole life is falling apart.

Maybe it already has.

So she sits, and she thinks, and then one night she comes to the inevitable conclusion.

She doesn't know anything, and she'll never understand why.

Except she does know this:

The nightmare…there's no escaping the images that plague her.

The dream…It's too good to be true.

The game…she's trapped with no control

The worthlessness…she's wayward, lost the way, lost her sanity.

The act...puts on her smile, they'll never know she is the star of this grand show.

The lies…she'll never be okay again.

She knows they'll never go away.

This is her life.

It's here to stay.

* * *

No one can know the truth.

No one can know…

* * *

**A.N. **** So I've been pretty inactive lately... (understatement of the year). **

**Anyway, this is the "project" I talked about in a few of my other fics (I think I talked about it...eh whatever it's here now). As some of you know, I've kinda been on hiatus for a pretty long time...and while I know I totally should be working on my other long term story, this came to me instead. **

**I've actually been working on this for a couple of months now, and though it's still not exactly how I want it...it will have to do. to be perfectly honest I really miss writing, and the FF community...I just have had like no time to sit down and write anything long term (the reason why this is a one-shot). For now, I think it's going to stay that way, but as any of my followers know, that could change in an instant. I mean, for months I said I totally wasn't going to add to my other shot _I'll Always Come Back..._****But then something just came to me and I HAD to write it...**

**So we'll see.**

**Regardless, I figured that I should really upload SOMETHING...I have to much unfinished writings I don't have time for crowding up my (NEW!) laptop. **

**So I really hope you guys all enjoy this.**

**As always, if you have any comments or suggestions, feel free to review or PM me. Any feedback is appreciated.**

**Until next time,**

**-Courtney**

**(SarcasmFont)**


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